Watch my blood to flow..

tama n ang pagka intellectually elite mo intal! npakaplastik mo!! haha..

gusto q lng maglabas ng sama ng loob.

naiinis kc q sa 106, prang wala aqng matutunan. o, gusto ko magsulat. alam q d ako gnun kgaling. duguan ang papers q. nung kinritique, d ako naencourage. parang naramdamang kong wala akong krapatan mag comm arts. anyway, secure nmn aq s future q. ok lng khit d mkgraduate on time. Db God? ok lng un?

mhirap pla.. lalo n magsulat. masakit. nakakaiyak. bong araw mong ginawa, pagtatawanan lng. sna nag bio nlang ako. o bs math. an dali kya ng math. kung alin p ung kinatatakutang subject ng mga kaklase q which is logic, dun pq nageexcel. kmusta nman un?

manonood bq ng icebag  aatend ng cel meeting? nlito dw b.. hehe..

To M. J. David

20 July 2006

Mr. David,

I have gone through your works and it planted a seed in my heart. I take care of it and it continues to grow. It produces more seed and now it is mine, as well as the tree, since the earth is mine where you planted. I decided to plant the seeds to other’s heart, like you did.

You are the planter of wisdom and I am your gardener.

I cannot tell if my seeds are vigor, like the one you planted. Before I plant, I would like to learn if my seeds will grow into a healthy tree. My seeds look similar, both healthy and weak. I cannot select the ones to plant.

As I am learning to produce forceful seeds, I would like to know some sources you considered. I fear no one planted on my heart, except you. I doubt if ever planters came, their seeds are not energetic to implant themselves in my earth, or maybe the time they came is the time my earth is stony. I trust your sources since your seeds are high-quality. That’s why I made this seed come to you for you to tell its flaws.

If you think my tree is not well-cared of, I am asking you to tell me what to do so we can save the seeds from suffering inferiority, or worst, the tree from dying.

When it is time for me to plant, I owe my skills to you and I will try to repay you, even though I know it’s hard.

Sincerely yours,

K. M. Vacarizas

Since I was a young girl, I alway admire professionals with high salaries, 20 years old and above, for their independence, financial and social wise. they can buy the things they want, they can go whenever they desired to go. Moreover, bread winners’ decisions are somehow considered by the whole family, including the elders. For a middle-class teen-ager like me, professionals are worth emulating. I could not wait to be one.

I will be 20 24 hours from now. I will be graduating in less than 1 year. Unfortunately, I am feeling no sense of direction on my career. All I am thinking is to work in a call center. After I earned enough money, I will look for a job related to my field. Sigh. it took me 10 years of waiting to realize that I am hopeless. I was expecting that I am not the one who will look for an opportunity but an opportunity is going to hunt me.

Based on what I saw from movies, professionals are always in fashion in terms of their wardrobes and drink coffee in a coffee shop at breaks. I don’t know whether I am cursed or blessed because I ate in Sturbucks twice already. My mom kept those plastic cups from that expensive coffee shop as a souvenir. When I was young, I did not like to drink coffee, because my kindergarten teacher told us we should drink milk instead of coffee for some reasons but from the time that we drink coffee at starbucks, I drink coffee whenever it is available.

Daydreaming is one of my two preoccupation when I was younger. I could spend my whole day fantasizing ehat my future has in store for me. My other preoccupation is to study. I believed that if I am going to have high grades, different companies will ask me to be part of their work force. But now that I am 20, I easily got bored to think of the future. The Philippines has economic problems to be catered first rather to consider my career problem.

When I was in high school, boys I get introduced to ask me how many boyfriends I already had. When I stepped into college, they ask me if I am in a relationship. These days, the boys I meet ask me nothing. From an interesting person to a serious and boring one is a long way– descendencies.

I have this hypothesis that the most happy events in a woman’s life happen in her childhood days. how can someone explain to me that I do believed in fairies when I was in day care and yet I cannot imagine how there is a white lady in our house? When I was younger, I used to climb our stairs up jumping but now I think it is too foolish to do that. I think you will also agree.

It just started with the book "The Purpose-Driven Life". If I were a kid, I would dream to be a poet. I am just beginning to love eading as well as writing and here comes a laptop for e-books and word processores. Frustrated professional like me have no place in a poetic world. It is enough to drive a coffee lover into hopelessness. Such was the unfortunate situation I was when my ex-boyfriend broke-up with me. If there’s anything that can get me out of the practice of reverse psychology, it is nice. I waas shocked when he broke up with me when I told him it is ok with me if we break up if he loves somebody else because I want him to be happy. "Here comes your reverse psychology again" he said. Did I? Oh, yeah. Whoa! It just I did not want to be explicit. Explicitness is dangerous in any form of art and I am an artist! My ex-boyfriend, who is one year younger than me, can’t keep up with my reverse psychology prowess. I was a teen-ager reverse psychologist!

To get a high-paying job is like a success of our clan. College graduates in our family lead relatively young parenthood. My third degree female cousins got preggy when they were tierd of looking for job with reasonable salary. But that doesn’t bother me now. I enjoy life. I am now a poet without poetic licence. It is not the goal that matter but how you run the race of life.

I will be a UP graduate in less tahn one year. What do you expect from me?

I was in the school yesterday with vigor in my heart and smile in my face. Nakatatak kasi sa isip ko na "Yes!! Pasukan na! I will start my sem right!" Super excited, as in.. Matatapos na ang pagkabulok ko sa bahay. Sawa nakong maging TV addict, kumain, matulog, magbasa, magsulat ng walang katuturan. Paulit-ulit!

Nkasakay ko sa jeep ang crush ko. And then, I was able to finish pa Nick Joaquin’s book Tropical Gothic sa jip. Astig tlaga. Kakainspired siya gayahin. Gusto ko ulit bumili ng book niya. Nabili ko lang yun nung kasama ko ang daddy sa festival mall sa alabang. Kasabay nung Eugene’s White and Strunk. Basta pag nagkachance ako pumunta ng manila, punta talaga ako.

Back to what happened yesterday, ayun, I was very early to get my form 5. Ang kaso mo, 1st sem graduating pala ang sa morning at 2nd sem graduating ay sa hapon pa! Kamote.. Super aga ko. Ok lang sana kung 1 hour earlier ako. e kso hindi e. 5 hours earlier!! Ayun, buti nalang nakita ko si Fhei, clasmate ko sa CWTS and CMSC 1 at niyaya nia ko s house nia. We had a very good conversation! Dami namin napagkwentuhan. Then we ate at mcdonalds. hanggang 1pm, kwentuhan to the max kmi. e pano naman, kailangan nia sulitin, pauwi na kc siya mindoro. and i know we both enjoyed that time  kasi she’s my closest friend i elbi i can say. free ako pumunta house nia. kinukulit nga ako n laging dumalaw sa kanya. iniiwan nia ko sa bahay nia magisa. grabe trust na binibigay ni fhei saken. i hope i can give her something. wla lang.. gusto ko lang na mag regalo. hinatid ko siya sa sakayan. its the first time we make beso-beso! and i know when we meet in the future, we will do it again ne lagi. hehe..

And then, nung nasa pila na ko pagkuha ng form, andun mga batchmates ko, natural. It is the best line since i reg nung freshman. maaga kc q dumating kaya konti palang tao. narealize ko, i have to make many close friends as much as possible. ayoko masayang ang college life ko. kwentuhan kmi ni gretz.. ni kua pong.. hehe.. funny talaga usapan namin. nakakatuwa.. lagi ko sinsabi wala akong kaibigan na comm-arts. yun pala, i will initiate, gnun  din pala sila. longing to be ur friend.

nakuha ko na ang form ko. bracket 5 ako. dati 4. pero ok lang. bago ko makuha ang form ko, sabi ko kina kua pong, "ano kaya itsura ng form natin? may laman kaya?" hehe.. I am always expecting the worst pag nagrereg.. 1st year palang ako, naranasan ko na magprerog dahil sa 6 units na ibinigay nila saken na dapat ay 18. Pero whats now? ang yabang ko. 18 units ang binigay nila. at alam na nila ang profile ko sa form ha!! no need to fill up. except my major. pero kmusta naman ang sked ko?? 2 ARAW LANG ANG PASOK KO!!!

kamoteng letsugas.. gumuho ang pangarap ko. Akala ko matatapos na ang pagkabulok ko sa bahay.. hindi pala. imagine, 8 days lang ako papasok sa isang buwan!!! Kmusta naman yon. magiging isang taon yata ang bakasyon ko. Sideline lang ang pagpasok. Ganun yata tlaga pag UP student, hindi sanay ng walang ginagawa. Laging naghahanap ng gagawin.

An saya po ng araw q. Khit nahihilo ako ngayon sa gutom kc d pq naglulunch, ok lang. hehe.. E kc mura ang net dito sa elbi kaya sinasamantala ko na. sa san pablo na lang ako kakain. Itretreat ko naman ang sarili ko sa mcdo e. hehe..
Masaya ako kc nakapagbyahe ulit ako sa manila mag-isa for the last time with the ojt agendum. Nakakamiss din pala ang gateway. hehe.. para ngang gusto kong maiyak kanina e. gusto ko nga sanang yakapin si mam lanie at lalo na si kuya jason.. hehe.. ilang araw ko din sila nakasama sa tower.
nakita ko ung computer na lagi kong ginagamit. parang gusto ako nitong magnetin! hehe.. kaso hindi ko na muli ito mahahawakan.
malungkot akong naglalakad. di ko nga alam baka nakasimangot pala ko, nakakahiya sa mg akasalubong ko sa daan. iniisip ko kc, pag sa manila ako nagtrabaho, di ko kaya pag wala akong sariling sasakyan. Nahihilo kasi ako sa bus pag traffic. ok lang naman basta aircon lagi ang bus at walang traffic.
Pagkarating ko dito sa UP, natuwa na naman ako. Namiss ko kc ang skul, ang council, ang pag-aaral. Magdodorm na ulit ako. Sa rigors dorm ulit! Wala na ang mga dati kong housemates. Si aba na lang natira.
Sinamantala ko ang pag-iisa kanina. Minsan, pag nagiisa ako, pakiramdam ko lagi nalang ako nag-iisa. mali pala ako. Bihira lang ako mag-isa. Lagi ako may kausap. Minsan lang ako mag-isa.
Uuwi na ang mommy mamaya. Ano kaya pasalubong niya? hehe.. Buti naman naisipan niya umuwi. Pero sana may pagbabago sa kanya ngayon. Sana hindi na siya malungkutin.
Enrol na kaya si joshua?
Kamusta kaya ang daddy?
Nakapasa kaya si te nenet sa interview niya papuntang Denmark?
Nakapunta na kaya si te cel sa mall of asia ngaun?
Sabi ko nga pala kanina sa sarili ko, manonood ako ng sine. Wag na lang. May HBO naman sa bhay. Kakain nalang ako sa mcdo. hehe..
Zagu nalang kaya? Para makita ko naman si ate lannie.
Sana ok ung evaluation ko sa practicum. Lord, sana po wala nang kailanganin si sir torreta para ibigay n niya ang grade ko.
Siguradong mahirap ang sem na darating. speech at theater practicum at manuscript kasabay ng lahat ng major subjects ko. Hindi pa ako nakakaipon masyado ng dugo, duduguin na naman ako.
Pero basta, masaya ako.
Thank God for making me feel that im a princess..
I am worth waiting.
Like Jesus said to me "No man will ever claim you unless he claims you from me. For i reserved a man for you, who has my heart and loves me even more than he will love you. For i wont give you unless he asks u from me. he’s busy for me, for my kingdom. Soon u will know him,  but in my perfect time. You’re my princess, my daughter. Let no prince claim you unless he asks u from my hand, for i am your father, the King of Kings. You, my princess, are worth waiting for. I love you."