Watch my blood to flow..

hay.. buti nman at nkapagblog na ulit aq. well, binabasa q ngaun ang boy meets girl no joshua harris. at last nakabili din aq ng book na interesado tlga qng basahin. kung anu ano kc binibili q, ndi q nman tinatapos bsahin.. masaya ciang basahin. super nkakarelate.. actually, i learned not to talk about relationships after my break up with my pinakamatagal na boyfriend, which i learned from my last boyfriend. so, aun.. wala na tlga sa utak q ang mga ganyang bagay. unlike nung nasa college pa ko, kwento aq ng kwento to figure out kung cnong makakatuluyan q sa future.. eeww.. i cant imagine gnun aq dati.. haha.Ü pinagaksayahan q ng oras ung mga gnung pageemote! kdiri.. haha.Ü until nbili q tong book.Ü in short, nagemote na nman aq. haha.Ü pero for good and eternal reasons na.Ü inalala q ulit ung mga nangyari then as i evaluate joshua harris’ writings, naaabsorb q na cia.Ü naniniwala na kc q sa principles nia. nung binasa q kc ung i kissed dating goodbye, medyo critical minded pa q. to the point na i need to do experiments pa to believe in it. now, tpos na ung experiment mode q. u will be glad to know I am now believing it.Ü kya i know kya ko naaabsorb ngaun ang boy meets girl kc God prepared me for it.Ü bottomline, malaki nging role ni joshua harris sa pagrerenew ni God ng mind q. He is a great man of God.

uy.. saka na ako magbblog ng mahaba. kaya maikli lang to. hehe. basta, masaya ako dahil graduate na ako. khit ano pa ang sabihin niyo, kahit sino pa ang magdegrade sa akin, lagi pa rin ako masaya. hehehe. gnun tlaga. ngaun, focus ako kung pano magugustuhan at maaapreciate ang may ginagawa. pinakaayaw ko kasing magyari sa akin ang maging bum! hahaha.

my life? uhm.. masaya siya ngaun compared dati. i can now say that honestly. dati sinasabi ko masaya pero ndi naman tlaga. gusto q lang mag portray na masaya ko dati para masabing "ay! gling naman.. pag christian ka pala, masaya. hehe" pero oo. dati dumadating sa time na sinasabi ko sa sarili ko "masaya ba talaga?".. mahirap. yung iba christians mukhang hindi nahihirapan, pero alam ko nahihirapan din sila. normal lng nman daw un pag christian. gnun nga.. how can I be grateful God? alam ko dat u saved me pero bat may gnitong feeling? sometimes i get on my knees para pilitin ka na sagutin ang mga tanong ko. sorry God ha. lagi kita pinipilit. basta love kita. un tlaga di magbabago.. kahit matigas ulo ko..

im not prepared to post something. lagi naman. pero i have something in my heart na parang gusto na mag-burst to tell you all.. Kumain kmi sa labas nila jomel and jeela kagabi! Grabe.. namiss ko talaga dalawang friend kung yun! sabi nga nila, dapat every month magkitakita kami. plano namin mag-overnyt para mag movie marathon. hehe.. kelan kaya un? pagkatapos ng finals week? ay, oo nga pala! may binabasa aqng novel ngaun.. grabe.. nakakarelate talaga q. kasi christianity ung context. tungkol siya sa isang babaeng nag-asawa sa isang minister of God. intriguing diba? naging preacher ung asawa nia, kaso, nagcocommit ng adultery!! whaaa!! grabe talaga.. bihira lang ako makakita ng ganung buk.. kaya naman isang upuan ko lang kahit ang kapal! pag interested k talaga sa isang issue, hay naq, d mo tatantanan.. tas eto, supposedly, hell week na. pero kamusta naman aq? eto, pa-easy easy lang. sanay n e. hehe.. biro mo naman, kung kelan graduating na q, saka pa ko nasanay.. sana freshman ulit ako.. nye. i forgot to live my life then kc. saka napapansin q, pag prepared na prepared aq, saka ako lumalagapak. siguro kasi, im leaning to what i can do, not on what God can do. kaya im a mess pag prepared. lalong nagiging ngarag which is parang laging nagwoworry. aun.. naalala ko tuloy ang buklod.. kung kelan akala namin handang handa na ang lahat. nung dumating na ang oras, saka naging masyadong relax. siguro kasi akala namin kaya namin by our own might. pero naneglect namin magenjoy. ginawa naming busy-busyhan ang mga sarili namin. hayy.. sana campaign nalang lagi.

“Congratulations. You are admitted to the University of the Philippines Los Baños as a freshman for the First Semester 2003-2004 under BA Communication Arts Program.”

I jumped and screamed after I had read the mail from the Office of the Registrar. I decreased the volume of our CD player before I phoned my mom in her office.

“Mom, I passed the UPCAT!”

After I phoned my mom, I increased again the volume of our CD player and I danced with happiness with the tune of “Bye, Bye, Bye” by N’Sync.

When my mom got home, she told me it’s better if I will stay at my lola’s place when my classes get started.

“You can stay at Pila with your lola. It is nearer to Los Baños than San Pablo. We can save money if you will stay there. Besides, your lola can lend you money if you will help in her grocery store.”

I did not want to leave San Pablo. I can stay at our own house while I am attending school at Los Baños. But Mom had a good point. Besides, I had the desire to help her in raising our family. Thus, I needed to sacrifice being with my family as well as with my friends. But still I did not want to be away from them. I wanted to see them whenever I liked.

Days before my classes, I decided to start staying at Pila so I can have time to adjust in the environment. From that time on, I did not have freedom to be a mad dancing with R & B and head banging with rock music. I knew it is not good to see me head banging while the maids are busy. Then, I realized I should consider myself as one of the maids.

I was with my high school friends who also passed the UPCAT at the opening of classes. Aba was admitted to BS Food Technology Program and Rose was admitted in BS Veterinary Medicine Program. They were with me at that time. Just then, I missed my CD player so much. I missed singing with N’sync.

We attended the opening convocation in the morning in DL Umali Hall. The program aimed for the administration to be known by freshmen like us. It was eleven o’clock in the morning. The program was still not finished.

“I need to go to my class,” Aba told me.

“Me, too,” Rose said.

“Intal, you take care everyday in travelling from here to Pila. You can go to my apartment whenever you please,” Aba said.

They left me. I had no sense of direction at that time. I thought I will not feel this way if I did not passed UPCAT. I hope I was in San Pablo. San Pablo is my world.

It was the time I learned that I must and should be alone. I remembered my CD player. My CD player is also my best friend. It gave me a company in times I was alone. But at that time, even my CD player needed to be away. Just like my Mom and my friends. Why did they leave me when I needed them most?

It was true that you will discover your purpose when everyone left you: for example, your family and your friends. Like my experience with my CD player. The times I discovered that my CD player can decorate my room is the time I did not have CD to play, there was no current flowing from the plug, or one or more of its circuits are not working.

Thus, I needed to stand on my own feet and start to walk. My laughter when I was in high school was turned into silence. The usual volume of my CD player was lowered into minimum.

I was in third year when I used in being alone.

“What’s that? BUKLOD application form?” my co-student assistant asked me.

“Yes,” I answered.

I wanted to run for any position in the student council. I wanted to be one of the public servants. I wanted to speak in front of people. I wanted to let them know what’s inside of me—like the feeling that I feel whenever I dance with my CD player on turned out loud while Simple Plan was singing.

We campaigned from morning until night. We had gone in every dormitory in the University. We shook the hands of the people. We talked with every voter we encountered. We scattered the vision of BUKLOD to all students of UPLB. We believed that there is a need for change in the University. But the change I was talking about during the campaign did not only pertain to the university but also the change within me. I wanted to see myself smiling after high school days. More than they saw me talk, I wanted to show the world that I overcame loneliness.

I can say I became victorious if touched someone’s heart through a smile– even a single person.

I have gone two elections- one win and one lose. But for me, the results were just the same because I learned to stand on what I believed. My CD player was just doing the same. Any CD inserted to it—rock, R & B, jazz or pop— everyone knows the function of a CD player will not change. Its function is to play my songs– nothing more, nothing less. It never let me got disappointed.

In my last year in the university, I gained friends. I realized that during my 20^th birthday.

“Happy birthday, Intal!”

Ten days just passed after my birthday, but there I was, acting like it was the exact day of my birthday.

I was in Lacxo Grill Restaurant at that night with my friends. Lacxo Grill was one of the restaurants in Los Baños where servings were like no other. On the table, there was cake, sisig, chicken honey, omelet and rice. There were also box with ribbon and balloons.

“Open our gift for you!”

I stopped. I did not want to open the gift. I did not want to feel that I did not deserve to be given a surprise like it.

“Can I open this when I reached home?” I asked.

“Open it now, please. You will be grateful to see what’s inside for sure,” one of my friends said.

I opened the gift. It was filled with papers that were rolled and tied with ribbons. Each paper contained a greeting from our friend in BUKLOD. One of our friends had written “Your simple ways had touched my heart more than you’ll ever know.”

I smiled. I was then sure that I was victorious in my battle.

Even though not all my friends were present in that celebration, I felt that they were there beside me at that night. There were times that I was alone. There were times I can say that everyone was not available to lend a hand when I needed one. But what remained in my heart were the functions of the CD player of life. Wherever I go, every smile I see, I know it was there, always ready to be turned on and available to be turned out loud to play the rhythm of the world.

Vacarizas, Kristal M.

03-57845

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